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Friday, 24 November 2017

Dear Mr. President:

Things have gone badly out of control over in Corazones Sangrantes County where a little village that calls itself Basura Miserable has just declared itself a “sanctuary village”. The citizens of Basura claim that their village is named for part of the inscription on the Statue of Liberty, but over here in Gatos Gordos, we think it just means “Bad Trash”, but if that’s what they want to call themselves, it’s OK with us. They’re a bunch ex-hippies and artists and retired Californians who live off their pensions and Social Security checks and drink their coffee through a layer of whipped cream with stuff sprinkled on the top, you know the sort.

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When the ICE guys demanded the cooperation of Basura law enforcement guys, they found out it was just one guy, Thomas Jefferson Cervantes, who answered every demand by saying, “Que?” After a while they went away.

They’re mostly Sandersissies over there, so when they challenged us Trumpermachisimos to a softball game, we accepted because we knew Big Lester could knock anything they had right out of sight if he was sober, but when the day came, they all took a knee during Take Me Out to the Ballgame, and we remembered that you made Pence leave in a high dudgeon, and anyway by that time we had seen their pitcher warming up – a girl! and she was really hot (and a good pitcher too). Which loosened the remaining part of Big Lester’s grip on his bat because he said that in his youth women were sacred, and just the other day you yourself said that women were special when they weren’t being groped, and so he thought scoring on them wouldn’t be right. And so we just went home.

Anyway, the paper in their county seat, The Western Flicker (“We Bore into Everything”) reports that they are believed to be harboring a couple of “Dreamers” named Hidalgo and Lucero who work in the so-called Koffee Klatcheria and Namasteria though in other respects they resemble real Americans. We were prepared to overlook all that while you were thinking over what to do about illegals – a long process because it requires A) thinking, and B) getting Sessions to act, and he is distracted by trying to remember which Russians he didn’t talk to. But then a family of Haitians showed up from NYC. That was the last straw.

When the ICE guys demanded the cooperation of Basura law enforcement guys, they found out it was just one guy, Thomas Jefferson Cervantes, who answered every demand by saying, “Que?” After a while they went away.

The tragedy is that Basura gets no federal funding so there is nothing to cut off. Couldn’t you have Ryan Zinke offer them a National Monument and then threaten to cancel it?

Dan Embree

dan-embree-17

Received by the White House at 4:04 AM EST, 24 November 2017