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Friday, 26 January 2018

Dear Mr President,

Now that you’ve emerged more or less unscathed from your experiment in being president without an actual government, you may have noticed that it’s not much different in your case from being president WITH a government. You don’t have to do much except watch TV, send out insulting tweets, and eat cheeseburgers that are paid for by the tax-payers – who, by the way, don’t get to shut down, but just keep on paying. LOSERS! But be careful. The crisis revealed some dangers:

• Clean Desk: OK, I know the photo of you on the phone behind your big clean desk was real, because Kelly doesn’t let anybody trust you with paper, for fear you’d cut yourself. But when you’re pretending to be “working the phones”, you need some props. Scatter some folders around. Use video instead of stills. Scribble intensely on some paper while moving your lips.

When you’re pretending to be “working the phones”, you need some props. Scatter some folders around. Use video instead of stills. Scribble intensely on some paper while moving your lips.

• President Kelly: The guy has convinced everybody that he’s in charge. That he’s managing you while you “evolve” – into what, he isn’t sure. While the video is running, summon him in and upbraid him. Shout “Listen up, you maggot!” He’ll snap to. Once a marine, always a marine.

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• President Sanders: One of my buddies down at the Retrofit, Hans-Dieter Lopez, pointed out something: “Sarah no longer refers to the president when asked what his policies are. Her response is not ‘The president says . . .’ Instead it is ‘We are working on this’ and ‘I don’t negotiate this with you’. Get rid of her, and find some girl that doesn’t remind the press corps of their mothers.

• Congress: Better not go three days again without meeting with some of them. They’re starting to get ideas. Like being an independent branch.

• Stormy nights: Everyone is talking about how much more pleasant the “Tuesday Trump” was than the “Thursday Trump”, week before last. If this had anything to do with that new sassy-looking Putzfrau with short skirt and the feather duster who showed up on Monday night, then keep it up. But get her to sign an NDA covering future visits.

• Hastert Rule: Let me explain this one, it’s complicated. Denny Hastert was a much revered Republican law-giver – sort of what Moses would have been to the Israelites if he had been into buggering teenage shepherds. Anyway, whatever he said back before he went to jail still is law for House Republicans because they hate change. And what he said was, “Don’t let Democrats vote.” Basically the same as gerrymandering.

dan-embree-17

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:00 AM EST, 26 January 2018