Tuesday, 14 November 2017
Dear Mr President,
I’ve been sent a copy of the Presidential Practical Knowledge Test you took at General Kelly’s insistence. Your answers are underlined. The leaker said you cheated, but that it hadn’t improved your score. The leak is probably intended to make you look stupid, but I think it shows that you are charmingly innocent of practical matters because you are always focused on matters of War, Peace, Vengeance, and Golf.
1. To change a diaper, place the baby A) on its back, B) on its face, C) on the floor, D) in the nurse’s arms.
2. To change a tire, you will need a jack and A) a lug wrench, B) an ohm meter, C) a jill, D) a chauffeur.
To change a light bulb, you must first A) unscrew the old bulb, B) order a bulb-changing kit from Amazon, C) go to a room where there is more light, D) call the butler.
3. To change a light bulb, you must first A) unscrew the old bulb, B) order a bulb-changing kit from Amazon, C) go to a room where there is more light, D) call the butler.
4. A claw hammer is used to A) hammer nails, B) pull nails, C) hammer or pull nails, D) repel a cat.
5. People who pay their taxes fully and cheerfully are A) honest Americans, B) too poor to hire a tax guy, C) not in my cabinet, D) losers.
6. A tablespoon is equal to A) 3 teaspoons, B) 4 teaspoons, C) I don’t drink tea, D) it depends on the table, and mine is the biggest.
7. A synonym for “nice” would be A) “nicer”, B) “nicest” C) “nicely”, D) “stacked”.
8. If you throw a spaghetti noodle against the wall and it sticks, that means the spaghetti is A) al dente, B) overcooked, C) Puerto Rican, D) in a greasy restaurant.
9. Five-card stud is A) a poker game in which players reveal their cards one at a time, B) a gigolo, with only five business cards, C) a racehorse who has five mares standing in line, D) the same as C except it’s a guy instead of a horse.
10. A gigolo is A) a man who is supported by a woman in return for sex, B) Anthony Scaramucci, C) an Italian version of 3-card monte using only one card, D) a dance in which the women wear no bras.
11. The difference between the Celsius and Centigrade scales is: A) nonexistent, B) Celsius is musical and Centigrade is thermal, C) Celsius is metrical and Centigrade is Fahrenheit, D) Celsius invented the Richter scale and Centigrade invented the Dow-Jones Industrial Average.
12. Homonyms are A) words that have the same pronunciation but different meanings, B) words that have the same meaning but different pronunciations, C) ancestors of the Neanderthals, D) guys to whom, when they marry, according to Indiana Governor Mike Pence, bakers didn’t have to sell cakes.
Received by the White House at 12:52 AM EST, 14 November 2017