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Friday, 16 February 2017

Dear Mr President,

Happy Valentines Day, Mr President – not really from me, of course – but relayed by me from your true love, Wayne LaPierre of the NRA, and relayed by him from all your secret lovers in the American gun industry, from all those Dear-Hearts at Colt, Sturm Ruger, Remington, Smith & Wesson, Browning, Bushmaster, Adams, Mossberg, Savage, SCCY, Springfield, UWS, Winchester, and Weatherby for whom you’ve helped make this Valentines Day so “special”. That would be your word, wouldn’t it?

The shootings in Parkland (like all such shootings, from Sandy Hook to Las Vegas) will send gun sales climbing as frightened citizens rush to protect themselves and will send gun stocks soaring as smug investors see opportunities to profit from the dead kids.

It’s occasions like this that make all your hearts beat a little faster and the testosterone pump a little stronger – all powered by the flow of money. The shootings in Parkland (like all such shootings, from Sandy Hook to Las Vegas) will send gun sales climbing as frightened citizens rush to protect themselves and will send gun stocks soaring as smug investors see opportunities to profit from the dead kids.

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So the gun manufacturers will see that they’re getting good value and will blow wet kisses (and mail fat checks) to Wayne (who doesn’t fill the NRA’s coffers with the dues of members – not by a long semi-automatic rifle shot). And warmed with fuzzy feelings for all his paramours in Congress (both Democrat and Republican), Wayne will send them all little love-tokens too. And you, his prize, his mistress who doesn’t have a NDA, indeed, his harlot who gets paid for confessing whom you’re in bed with – you’ll get flowers and chocolates and promises of re-election.

Of course, you’ll all put on long faces and platitudes about thoughts and prayers, our hearts go out, come together for a better tomorrow, feeling other’s pain, now is not the time, etc. etc. – did I mention thoughts and prayers? But in the boardroom and on the golf course, there’ll be smiles all round, as you and your valentines find that with a little effort you can bear the sacrifice of those kids and the pain of their parents. You’ll shed a public tear and count the cash in private.

dan-embree-17

So this day’s for you. You’ve earned it.

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 03:58 AM EST, 16 February 2018