Friday, 23 February 2018
Dear Mr President,
Last night at the Retrofit, Melba Thumper, the barmaid, was holding forth on “Trump’s conundrums”.
“What?” said Big Lester Gufstason, “What do you know about them? I’m sure he uses one every time he, you know . . . with whatshername . . . or whoever . . .”
“Shut up, Lester, the word is ‘conUNdrum’. It means an enigma.”
“Oh, I hate those. Last year, I had this terrible blockage, and . . .”
“That was in your brain, Lester. I said shut up. The latest conundrum is that last year Trump signed a bill making it easier for crazy people to get guns. Now, when a crazy kid buys a gun and blows away 14 other kids, he says, ‘Well too bad, he was crazy.’ And then he blames the FBI for not arresting him before he did that, but what could they have done when crazy guys can buy all the guns they want?”
The latest conundrum is that last year Trump signed a bill making it easier for crazy people to get guns. Now, when a crazy kid buys a gun and blows away 14 other kids, he says, ‘Well too bad, he was crazy.’
“Or that Stormy woman we know he never shtupped because he told us so, even though there’s that photo of him with her, and he’s all giddy and flushed in the face like he’s just about to or just finished, and years ago she published the details, but when she was going to do it – the article – again, Cohen, his lawyer and ‘family friend’ (like of Melania, too?), paid her $130 G’s of his own money, but not for not telling about the shtupping because that never happened. So what’s up with that?”
“Or this guy with the photos of Trump signing some woman’s boobs that Cohen said he got hold of “to protect his family” – I guess he means Melania again, not that ‘one American family’ that Trump invoked the other day to keep us from missing the 14 kids who won’t be showing up at family events. But here’s the conundrum: how is Melania being protected? And another one -- why is she still there?
“And then there’s this. Cohen got the photos from a guy named Pecker. The Times says Trump and Pecker had been close friends for decades.”
[dc]“W[/dc]ell,” snickered Big Lester, “I don’t think Mr Pecker is a real guy. Probably just one of those Greek words, you know . . . a minotaur . . . for you know, his . . .”
“Shut up, Lester.”
Received by the White House at 6:05 AM EST, 23 February 2018