Thursday, 2 November 2017
Dear Mr President,
My contact at State has sent me a copy of that IQ-off contest you challenged Secretary Tillerson to a week or so ago. He says the test was suspended when you quit in a huff, which of course I can’t believe, but here is what he sent me. Is it true?
Question: A native of the Arctic leaves his igloo and walks 12 kilometers due north, then 12 kilometers due east, then 12 kilometers due north again, at which point he has arrived at the North Pole. How far does he have to walk in a straight line to arrive back at his igloo?
Tillerson: “24 kilometers. When he was walking east, he was simply circling the North Pole and not advancing toward it. So his distance from his igloo is just the sum of his two northward marches.”
This is a trick question and not fair at all, but I will explain it in the next short period of time because I know more about ice than Admiral Byrd.
Trump: “This is a trick question and not fair at all, but I will explain it in the next short period of time because I know more about ice than Admiral Byrd. My father used to say that, I don’t know who Byrd was but he was an admiral and therefore smart but anyway that’s not part of the problem. But Tillerson doesn’t know squat about ice, believe me. I just appointed him because Pence or somebody said he was rich. And dumb. In the first place, if he’s a native of the North Pole, then he’s an Eskimo, let’s call a spade a spade, and cut the PC stuff. And if he’s an American Eskimo, then he wouldn’t be walking in kilometers, would he? It would be miles, which totally changes everything because it’s three times as far, but if he’s a true American Eskimo he can do it, you better believe it. But if the Chinese-Liberal propaganda about the earth getting warmer was right, he couldn’t do it because the so-called ice would have melted, right? And he wouldn’t even have an igloo because they are made out of ice, I’ve seen them in the cartoons. So this proves that’s a hoax. Anyway, I’m going to bring more jobs to the North Pole and the rest of America, maybe not Puerto Rico, but the rest and then he’ll have a snow mobile so he won’t have to walk. Or maybe an out-rigger or whatever they have. But this so-called test is taking too long and right now I have to go to work on my tax plan, which I can do because I won the electoral vote by 306 votes. Thank you for this amazing turn-out.”
Received by the White House at 4:35 AM EST, 2 November 2017