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Trump Loses Alabama

Friday, 15 December 2017

Dear Mr President,

Here’s a partial transcript of a meeting in the Oval Office the morning after the election in Alabama. I think it’s a security problem. First, that I have a transcript of the meeting, and second, that you even had this meeting.

Trump: I won in Alabama, you know. I won last night too if you look at it right, because I said all along that Moore couldn’t win, because . . .

Ivanka: Da Da, we need to look ahead now and put Alabama behind us.

Jared: Absolutely, my love, we don’t need to think about Alabama again until the 2020 elections, and then only if we’re still . . . you know . . . at liberty.

Trump: Ungrateful people down there. I did everything for them, even visited Florida, and . . .

Kelly: Thank you, Mr President, but I want to introduce Bill Stepien, who I’ve brought in to reorganize our political operations.

Donald Jr: Really? I didn’t know we did that . . . organize things, I mean. I thought we just sort of . . . did them. Then denied doing them. Then said we forgot doing them. Then made up a story about why we did them, but it was a nothingburger because we didn’t actually do them.

Trump: Who let him in here? General, frisk him. See if he’s wearing a wire.

Kelly: I already did. He’s clean. Actually I frisked everybody except that guy in the corner and . . .

Trump: Hope Hicks? Never mind. I did that. While she was steaming my . . .

Ivanka: Never mind that, Da Da! We were talking about Mr Stepien.

Jared: Yes, wasn’t he the brains, so to speak, behind the Chris Christie political operation? You know, . . . traffic problems . . . ?

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Sanders: That never happened and it was in New Jersey and has been completely denied.

Stepien: Correct. And I’m the one who didn’t get indicted.

[General (but nervous) laughter]

Kelly: But seriously, that guy in the corner . . .

Not a disaster! And not my fault! It was Mitch and the write-ins and that pedi . . . peder . . . pedo . . . whatever. I’m not responsible for this catastrophe!

Trump: Never mind.

Stepien: I think we should start by distancing ourselves from the Alabama disaster . . .

Trump: Not a disaster! And not my fault! It was Mitch and the write-ins and that pedi . . . peder . . . pedo . . . whatever. I’m not responsible for this catastrophe!

Stepien: Certainly not. We should blame Bannon.

Trump: Who? Banlon? Banson? Banton . . . ?

Kelly: Never mind. We have implausible undeniability, I think they call it. But, you over there in the corner . . . Are you really supposed to be here?

Guy in corner: Da! Da!

Mr President, I’ll be taking a break over the holidays. Try to hold it together until I can get back to you.

dan-embree-17

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:40 AM EST, 15 December 2017

Please circulate. And write him a letter or forward this one to: https://www.whitehouse.gov/contact