Friday, 22 December 2017
Dear Mr President,
Two and a half cheers for your decision to ban the use of certain scientific terms (“fetus”, “vulnerable”, “transgender’ – and especially “science-based”) at the Centers for Disease Control. You may not be able, at least in the short term, to prevent the scientists from thinking with the term “science-based”, but if you prevent them from spreading its use in print, you may be able, eventually, to keep the inhabitants of your counties in Michigan and Pennsylvania from believing in it.
You may not be able, at least in the short term, to prevent the scientists from thinking with the term “science-based”, but if you prevent them from spreading its use in print, you may be able, eventually, to keep the inhabitants of your counties in Michigan and Pennsylvania from believing in it.
The word “fetus” was just a ploy by the liberal-hoaxers to make people think that the zygote (another word you might consider banning, although it’s so little known in West Virginia that maybe it’s no problem) that starts forming on the morning after isn’t a fully realized American citizen with rights and a trust fund and a preordained party affiliation.
And instead of “transgender”, we’ve always had “stealth woman”, “she-male”, and “sicko”. If we’re all compelled to talk that way, pretty soon we’ll all think that way. Remember 1984? No not the year, the book? OK, never mind. (Yes, I know you made a killing that year.)
The reason I’m withholding my third cheer is that you didn’t go far enough. What about the dangers to right-thinking perpetrated by the National Endowments for the Humanities and the Arts, not to mention National Public Radio – all places where four-syllable words are used without regard for how they might hurt the feelings of your base. So I’ve composed a short list of additional terms you might consider banning:
– “Conspiracy”: The preferred word is “collusion”, which is not found in federal statutes, so you cannot be convicted of it.
– “Intellectual”: A word used by college-educated people who think they know things that their plumber doesn’t. But they don’t know jack about sewage ejector pumps.
– “Secular humanism”: The first word means “Godless” and the second means “thinking that humanity’s interests predominate over God’s.” Condemned as too narrow by theologians, in your case it’s too broad, since your personal interests predominate over humanity’s.
– “Civics”: High schools don’t teach it anymore. Which makes your work easy.
– “Journalism”: It’s all fake news.
– “Nuance”: Too complicated to explain. Never mind. Just ban it.
– “Culture”: You remember this line from a Nazi play? “Whenever I hear ‘Kultur’, I release the safety on my gun!”
Received by the White House at 12:02 AM EST, 22 December 2017