Saturday, 10 November 2017
Dear Mr. President
A CIA guy I know from the old days just sent me a recording of a secret interview the Agency conducted with Fraulein Baldhilda Gehorsamzwingen, your former nanny. Now 96, she lives in the convent of the Ancient Sisters of Perpetual Regret in Hohergroll, Germany. The convent ordinarily has no contact with the outside world, but the Agency asked the Pope and Chancellor Merkel to intercede for them, which they enthusiastically did. The purpose of the interview was given as “Investigation into Psychological Disorder of Subject”, though I can’t understand why they would care about her mental state.
The purpose of the interview was given as “Investigation into Psychological Disorder of Subject”, though I can’t understand why they would care about her mental state.
Agent: Can you tell us what you were employed for?
Frau G: Ach, for Erbsenschote . . . the nuts of the pea. Mein Gott! Was fur pfennig-pinschers!
Agent: No, I mean what did they employ you to do?
Frau G: Ach, to tame that kleine Biest, that Gor, that Blag-Flegel . . . what you call a Brat.
Agent: Did you succeed?
Frau G: Nein! Es war absolut imposs! The Mutter came in every 10 Minuten mit ein kiss und ein cake. Und if he wailed, der Papa gave him money to up-schutzen. Money und cake. Undt cheeseburgers!
Agent: Did he show a talent for anything at an early age.
Frau G: Ach, ja. He was ein echter Betruger . . . ein con-man. Ein Verbrecher . . . ein futurisch Kriminelle. In der Schule he got all the Kinders lunch money, because he said he would ein Diel machen mit dem teacher. Was ist ein Diel? He called them morons, rubes, suckers . . . such a mouth!
Agent: Why did you leave their employment?
Frau G: Because dieses Monstrum put the horseradish in meinen Brustenhalter. Undt! Then he grabbed me by the . . . Ich kann nicht the word sagen. The sisters will hear! Aber, maybe they don’t know it. [whispering] Muschi.
Agent: Uh . . . OK . . . Well . . . I think that’s all we need. Thanks for speaking with us.
Frau G: Could I ask – we hear nothing here – was became of that Bengel? Did he become a Kriminelle, like I thought?
Agent: Well . . . . . .
Received by the White House at 6:14 AM EST, 11 November 2017