Trump Orders Prosthetic Intelligence

Headline: Trump to Sign Executive Order Promoting Artificial Intelligence

Washington, February 11, 2019.

President Donald J. Trump responded to staff entreaties today by issuing an Executive Order to promote Artificial Intelligence.

Acknowledging the widely suspected Intelligence Deficit in Washington, particularly in the White House, Trump tweeted, “I will be the only president in history to have prosthetic brains!!”

Asked if it would require any special training to use the prosthetic intelligence, he replied, “Of course not, not for me! I’ll just strap it on. Being a brain, it will tell me what to do. And it will be really comfortable: it will fit right into my cranium. There’s plenty of room there.

“I would really, really like it if my prosthetic brain could turn me into my hero, Teddy Roosevelt,” he admitted. “But without the sentimental conservationism. And he really was quite a trust-buster. I couldn’t do that. But that Rough Rider image! That’s what I want!”

It remained unclear whether Prosthetic Intelligence could really substitute for Native Intelligence. Spokespersons for the Natively Intelligent said they might erect a solid Wall of resistance to protect themselves from Artificial, or Prosthetic, Intelligence.

This “New Nativism,” they remarked, “could have the ironic effect of blocking out anyone, such as the President, whose intelligence is artificial. Native Intelligence built this country. If we let Fake Brains in to take over, it would — well, we just can’t let that happen.”