LA Progressive

Dear Mr. President: Laying on of Roy Moore’s Hands

Tuesday,  5 December 2017

Dear Mr President,

I mentioned before how deeply committed many Alabamians are to Biblical values, but since the only Bible verse you could think of last year as informing your spiritual life is the one about cutting out eyes and teeth, I thought I’d delve a little deeper into Alabamian religious thinking to give you a broader picture of the Roy Moore for Tax Cut campaign – staying as close as possible to the 140-character thought limit.

Right after the stripping and fondling of 14-year-old Leigh Corfman came to light, Alabama Auditor Jim Ziegler stated that since Mary was a teenager when she conceived Jesus, no violation occurred with Leigh – and a state auditor ought to know.

Right after the stripping and fondling of 14-year-old Leigh Corfman came to light, Alabama Auditor Jim Ziegler stated that since Mary was a teenager when she conceived Jesus, no violation occurred with Leigh – and a state auditor ought to know. By this reading, Moore was simply acting the role of the Holy Ghost. Unfortunately, for his Bible-based plan, Roy didn’t look like an angel.

Incidentally, the legal age of consent in Alabama is 16, but Moore has said that the only law that applies in the United States (including the Constitution) is the Bible. So that removes that technicality.

Many Alabama women see the alleged encounter between the judge and the schoolgirl as a straight-out gender issue – that is, with a true Biblical perspective, they are quick to blame the girl. “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion,” quoth Mrs Morag MacDonald, when interviewed by the Western Flicker religion correspondent as she left Wednesday night prayer meeting, “Just how discreet was she being to go off with a man she didn’t know? I think she was asking for it. Besides I’ve got to get my taxes down.”

Anyway, according to Luke, Chapter 40, the sick can be healed by the laying on of hands. When Roy first found Leigh at a custody hearing, she appeared depressed, and according to Dr. Theobromide Schaumschlager, Dean of the Lackapoosa Theological Institute, Moore may have simply been using his righteous hands to lift up her spirit. Apparently, in his religious rapture, his hands slipped down into her bra. You can understand how this could happen.

And finally, Alabamian lay preacher, Leroy Huckabee (no relation) said he had heard a recording that Moore made as he undressed Ms Corfman: “How fair and pleasant you are, O loved one, delectable maiden – be still now! – You are stately as a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I will climb the palm tree and lay hold – Wait! Come back, O delectable maiden!”

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:15 AM EST, 5 December 2017

Please circulate. And write him a letter or forward this one to: https://www.whitehouse.gov/contact