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First World Status

Satire Approaching

In a terse press release today United Nations officials stated that by the end of November the U.S. would be demoted to ‘developing world’ status on its list of countries. It wasn’t clear whether the U.S. would be sent down to 2nd world or to the 3rd world level at this point. UN officials delayed making a final decision on which level pending the outcome of the U.S.’s November elections.

In the statement the UN refers to the many serious violations of ‘first world’ status by the U.S. during the past several years and noted that it would be difficult for the country to rebound back up to ‘first world’ in the near future. One UN official quipped, “Because some of them are so egregious, they might take decades to repair. So we don’t anticipate seeing the U.S. in the 1st world again for some time.”

When asked for comment, Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was visibly disturbed by the news and said, “We fear for our southern border and will need to revisit our security measures as the U.S. tumbles into the developing world and out of the group of organized and just societies. We already have many U.S. citizens coming across our border (some illegally) for health care, imagine what might happen if they are looking for democracy as well!”

Fox News reported, however, that the Trump Administration had recently applied to the UN for ‘most favored nation status’ and that the president’s inner circle was waiting expectantly for the results of its application as it would be a first for the country. 

When further pressed on what those restrictions and safety measures might look like the Prime Minister relaxed slightly and said, “As thoughtful Canadians we have no issues with the American people and know that there are many good ones down there. It is just that, as with any banana republic, we worry about a destabilizing effect due to a corrupt government. So we will be keeping all options on the table in case of total collapse south of our border.”

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The United Nations report outlines the rationale for this decision clarifying that it was not just ‘an overnight decision’ as the problem has been brewing in the U.S. for many years with the worst violations in the past four. One of the most obvious challenges to ‘first world status’ includes a corrupt and inefficient election system. The statement noted that “…long lines at primaries, outdated election technology, an inability to effectively count ballots, the gerrymandering of congressional districts to look like Rorschach tests and the risk of dying from COVID-19 in order to cast a vote…”, were the main reasons for classification in this category.

The report is filled with other notable ‘3rd world type-activities’ that ended up causing the statement to be 43 pages (with footnotes) and lists subverting the rule of law through Twitter, using tactically armed federal agents to break up a group of moms, bankrupting the mail system, and placing cows and meat packing as more important than public health, as examples of extreme violations of the democratic values of 1st world nations.

The Trump Administration was caught unaware of the action by the UN and stated in a Tweet that this was an ‘unfair’ process and was really created by the liberal media. Fox News reported, however, that the Trump Administration had recently applied to the UN for ‘most favored nation status’ and that the president’s inner circle was waiting expectantly for the results of its application as it would be a first for the country.

Other world leaders were asked for comment about this remarkable move by the UN and statements streamed in from all parts of the globe. New Zealand’s Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern offered condolences and said, “We recognize that the U.S. has of late struggled with implementing and supervising democratic institutions, so our country is ready to provide Americans with the technical support they need to rebuild their government. We know a little about creating a free and just society so we would be happy to share our knowledge with a struggling nation.”

And Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel observed, “Maybe it is better for the U.S. to drop down a couple of levels in competition for a few seasons to really rebuild its confidence and technique in democracy. Then we can review its progress and move it back to first world status if it does well in the ‘developing nations’ pool.”

brian biery 2020

Brian Biery