The State of Mississippi announced today that it intends to move its capital from Jackson to Memphis. Gov. Phil Bryant made the decision today after conferring with President t-Rump, saying, “Anyone who has read Faulkner or Tennessee Williams knows that Memphis has ALWAYS been the cultural and spiritual capital of the Magnolia State, so let’s go ahead and make it official. The City of Memphis also grows some very fine magnolias of their own, and has more Ole Miss alumni than any city in the world.”
Anyone who has read Faulkner or Tennessee Williams knows that Memphis has ALWAYS been the cultural and spiritual capital of the Magnolia State, so let’s go ahead and make it official.
Before this controversial proposal can take effect, some tough issues need to be resolved. Memphis city officials have said, “Mississippi needs to get rid of those stars & bars on their state flag - we’ve got our hand full this week trying to bury the slave-trade legacy of General Nathan Bedford Forrest in our town, so those stars and bars just won’t fly here.” Memphis Mayor Jim Strickland noted, “While we remain part of the great state of Tennessee, everyone knows that everything west of the western bend of the Tennessee River has always been a geographical, topographical and cultural extension of Mississippi. They’re also talking about annexing the Missouri Boot Heel after the transition occurs. Let’s call it the Great Consolidation.”
Bryant’s communication director Clay Chandler said, “Whenever anything important happens in Oxford, it’s always been the Memphis TV and radio stations that get us on the map. Hell, Jackson might as well be in rural Louisiana as far as media goes.” He added, “Hell, if it hadn’t been for the Memphis TV stations in 1962, no one would have known who James Meredith was, or that the last battle of the Civil War happened in Oxford in 1962! The boys in Jackson sure as hell weren’t going to make a thing of it.” He added, “We’re always the ‘home’ team at the Liberty Bowl whenever we play the Memphis Tigers there, so this whole thing makes sense to just go ahead and consolidate once and for all.” We got the idea from t-Rump and that Jerusalem thing, though it was first raised in 1822, and then again in 1903 when we moved to our current location.”
President t-Rump declared, “We know that Memphis was expected to be the future capital of a Native American homeland, and that many fine people on both sides of the River and the Mississippi state line look to Memphis as their spiritual home. But my base of End of Times Christians and far-far right Orthodox Jews really wants Memphis to be the capitol of Mississippi, and I have to make them happy before the Apocalypse and Rapture happens, or whatever it is they’re talking about. Besides, they’ve had one helluva time rounding up all the Jews to go to Israel, and I can tell you folks, it ain’t gonna’ happen. So, let’s settle for the next best thing by making Memphis the capital of Mississippi, and who knows, maybe just have that rapture thing there. I hear very good things about Southern hospitality, and they know how to give a party. After all, they did give the world Rock ‘n’ Roll and The Blues, and none of that would have happened if everyone had stayed in Mississippi. So it’s really great serendipity (is that a word?), yeah, serendipity . . . that . . . uh . . . we can do all these great things in the United Shesh because I’m precedent. I hear those Memphis people have a problem with General Forrest. Maybe this is a good time to take a whole new look at that Civil War thing, and ask ourselves if it really turned out the right way.”
Memphis Congressman Steve Cohen (D-TN), the only Jewish congressman representing a majority-black district said through a spokesman, “It’s not for nothing that I’m trying to get the guy impeached. He’s throwing a bone to his constituents in Mississippi by promoting this move of the capital, but we all know it’s a preliminary move to revive the confederacy and I ain’t buying it!”
Hoddy Toddy Gawd Almighty . . . “
H. Scott Prosterman