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A Single Intimate Drawing of the Nation's “First Member” Could End It All

This bitter controversy has spread all the way through the court system to Stephen Colbert, and has become an international embarrassment to our Puritan nation.

Ms. Daniels claims she had a brief but intimate affair with Trump just after his youngest son was born to his current third wife, the First Lady.

In her new memoir Full Disclosure, Stormy describes the First Member as “smaller than average” with a “huge mushroom head…like a toadstool.”

“I lay there,” she writes, “annoyed that I was getting f***ed by a guy with Yeti pubes and a d**k like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.”

Stormy claims their sexual encounter was, to put it politely, brief and unsatisfying.

Trump says it never happened.

Ms. Daniels has no Gap dress or other comparable biological samples that might offer definitive scientific proof.

Nonetheless, through Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen, she was paid (probably illegally) $130,000 to keep quiet.

Trump has loudly accused Stormy of being a “con artist.” She and her lawyer Michael Avenatti sued for defamation. But Federal Judge S. James Otero (a George W. Bush appointee) recently sided with Trump and demanded she pay his legal fees.

Trump then took a victory lap, bleating on Twitter and comparing Stormy to a horse.

Gail Collins of the New York Times has published a column saying that in her own case, Trump compared her to a dog because of something she wrote that he did not like.

Stormy has announced “game on,” and is referring to Trump as “tiny.” She and Avenatti are appealing Judge Otero’s decision.

There is only one way to settle this he-said-she-said mess.

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Stormy needs to put up or shut up.

Her explicit descriptions of Trump’s member are in prose. She now needs to share those observations with a graphic artist.

Her explicit descriptions of Trump’s member are in prose. She now needs to share those observations with a graphic artist.

The drawings must then be shared with the many other women who have accused him of sexual assault. And with the world.

If what Stormy says about the Donald’s diminutive dimensions is true, the drawing will probably have to be magnified.

There’s no way to confirm what she says about Mr. Trump’s sexual prowess (or lack thereof), although testimony from his other accusers could be revelatory.

At least a dozen other women have accused Trump of various forms of sexual imposition.

But unless we’ve missed something, no visual depictions of Mr. Trump’s private parts have ever been made public.
Therefore, there’s no way Ms. Daniels could produce an accurate description of Trump’s regal scepter without her having seen it in intimate circumstances, as she claims.

trump guns

So the case is easily settled. The FBI should issue what in this case might be called a “sub-penis.”

As he claims to be innocent, Trump should have no problem baring himself to federal agents who can compare what they see with the images Ms. Daniels provides. Other women with whom he has been allegedly involved could serve as “material witnesses.”

Given that Mr. Trump has been very vocal about the alleged enormity of his private parts, drawings or even photographs to scale could be issued worldwide to enhance the status of the empire he now commands.

Even more appropriately, he could just cut to the chase and unveil his private parts on one of his favorite TV shows, like Fox an Friends, or with Tucker Carlson.

In any event, the balls are now in Ms. Daniels’ court.

liz estrata

Stormy, please now produce those true-to-scale artist’s renderings of what you say you saw.

It’s time for the world to know the Truth!

Liz Estrata

Liz Estrata has been honored by Aristophanes for organizing women to withhold sex from the Greek Army in exchange for peace.