Dear Mr President,
Last Saturday the Apostolic Church of Selective Salvation was handing out tracts as usual on the corner of Capital St and Avenida de la Enmienda Segunda. Usually not many people take them because they all say pretty much the same stuff – “Slaves, obey your masters” and “The laborer is worthy of his hire” (which implies nothing about maternity leave), but this time the tract included “The Epissel of Jeff Sessions on the Children of Illegals”. The misspelling caused some caustic remarks by Melba Thumper and her crowd, but we just ignored that.
I. Honor thy mother that thy days may be long upon the land. Now I imagine your days are already pretty long, what with your mother in a different camp and DHS having lost track of where that is, but that’s what you get. Note that it doesn’t say “this land”. The Lord meant “your land” – not this one.
II. The Lord God . . .visits the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generations. Also of the mothers, including yours. She’s a felon. That’s why we had to lock her up – which, by the way, is our National Motto. And never mind about THIRD – you’re the SECOND.
III. Suffer the little children to come unto me. That wasn’t George Washington talking, and sure as Hell not Donald J. Trump. It was Jesus. Go unto him in your own damned country.
IV. The land flowing with milk and honey. We know you’re not the best people (those are Norwegians), and you’re not coming just for the milk and honey, but for MTV and MSNBC and MS-13. So the next time your mama says, “Come on, let’s go get some of their stuff,” just say no or run away and join a gang or something.
V. But a certain Samaritan . . . had compassion . . . yada yada yada. Don’t count on that. There are no Samaritans in this land, because we have a Samaritan ban. Also Muslins, or whatever. The guys coming for you are not Samaritans. They’re Migra, savvy? And we don’t pay them for compassion. Just put up your hands and say “Don’t shoot!” Good luck.
Received by the White House at 03:28 AM EST, 22 June 2018