In a stunning and unexpected development, the United States Supreme Court has vacated the recent victory of the San Francisco Giants over the Texas Rangers, awarding the World Series crown to the team from the Lone Star State.
Justice Antonin Scalia wrote the majority opinion, which prevailed on a 5-4 vote in the case known as Bush v. Giants.
Justice Clarence Thomas concurred, and his office issued a tersely worded statement providing supporting rationale: “What He Said.”
“In this opinion, the majority rests heavily on its most relevant precedent, Bush v. Gore,” Scalia wrote. “In that case, the Court established beyond the shadow of a doubt that the actual results simply don’t matter. Just as the number of votes cast in 2000 carried little weight in the presidential election in the State of Florida, so too, by analogy, does the number of runs scored by the Giants in the World Series have little bearing on the actual outcome. Umpires are fallible; this Court is not.”
“This Court is bound by the Constitution. No other document or set of facts in evidence is relevant — especially the opinions of the liberal elite sitting in the press box who claim to be witnesses. A careful and thorough reading of this founding document reveals no clause giving the government — and by extension, any other body that exists within our territorial boundaries — the power to declare any athletic team located or residing in the State of California to be the winner of any contest that might be remotely construed as coming under the jurisdiction of the Interstate Commerce clause. Since there were only two teams vying for supremacy in the World Series, and it is clear that the Constitution does not permit a team from California (and certainly not San Francisco) to be the winner, it therefore follows logically that the title properly belongs to the Texas Rangers.”
An attorney for former President George W. Bush, who sat in the stands during the games played in Texas, lauded the ruling, indicating in a prepared statement that “the President is gratified that the Court has once again seen fit to validate the rule of law in a nation that has violated so many of our basic freedoms over the past two years. Of course, the textbooks in Texas would have reported in any case that the Rangers won, but it’s nice to have the formal record correspond with the facts as we know them to be.”
Justice Sonia Sotomayor issued a sharply worded minority dissent, claiming that the Roberts Court was distorting the founders’ intent. “Neither corporations nor the States of California and Texas were in existence when the Constitution was written,” she stated. “How this opinion, and several others within recent memory, can be construed in the context of a ‘strict constructionist’ philosophy, is totally beyond comprehension.”
Justice Anthony Kennedy, siding with the majority, explained his vote by saying “I went with the liberals last time. It was the conservatives’ turn to win.”