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A Modest Proposal for Preventing the National Forests from Being a Burden for the Wealthiest Americans

A tree is a tree. How many more do you have to look at. -- Ronald Reagan (1966)


Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do.-- Ronald Reagan (1981)

After becoming president in 1901, Theodore Roosevelt founded 150 National Forests. Clearly this Republican President was limited in his vision as he dedicated the National Forests to the people of the United States. He had no thought of the treasure he turned over to the public, who apparently only wanted the pristine public parks for viewing, recreation or outdoors activities.

It wasn’t until the 1960’s that a prophet for profits came along. The visionary Ronald Reagan (see quotes above) cut right to the problem of the National Forests. The troublesome problem of the protected United States 155 National Forests and over 192 million acres the parks represent is that they just sit there, dying to be harvested, mined and drilled to be turned into private profit.

There is a simple solution that will boost the U.S. economy and ax the National Forest problem. Of course the U.S. Treasury should be used to issue grants, subsidies, and loans.

  • Allow the Republican lumber industry to clear cut the prime forests on public lands.
  • Grant the cleared public land to the largest Republican land developers and or contributors/cronies.
  • Give the Republican developers contributors/cronies, subsidies so they can buy the lumber from the clear cut forests on the prime public scenic lands.
  • Grant free loans to Republican contributors/crony developers to build grand houses on the prime public scenic lands.
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Many will question how the newly built homes on the clear cut scenic public lands will be landscaped? There’s another simple solution for the landscape problem. Oil is the answer. Give the struggling oil industry more subsidies so that they can make plastic trees, shrubs and lawns for the new homes, none of which will ever need watering.

  • At least a dozen of the clear cut parks will have an ocean of oil beneath them. Allow the beleaguered oil industry to have mining, minerals drilling right for no fee, so they can recover research, advertising and investment for a decent profit.

Our Republican philosophy: Profit today. Forget about tomorrow.

So there you are. A simple, profitable solution for a complex problem.


Open soon: The Ronald Reagan National Clear Cut Forest. Visit the plastic sign and see real tree stumps.

-- by Jerry Drucker