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A “Dear Jon” Stewart Letter

Kathy Green: I think you were just doing a show to satirize rallies. But, lucky for us sitters up here on Mt. Hugey, it may have inadvertently done exactly what we spend billions of dollars a year trying to do—convince a lot of people to sit this one out.

I suspect we interact with strangers in a give-and-take manner everyday because we know on a visceral level it’s in our best interest to play nice. So why don’t our elected officials work together on that same principle of compromise? My guess, Jon, is because your metaphor is based on the assumption that even a relatively large group of strangers coming together at a tunnel all have the same goal—the need to get through the tunnel in the most efficient manner.

stewart and colbert

But what if on the other side of that tunnel wasn’t just New Jersey, but a huge mountain of money…Mount Hugey, if you will. So huge it not only can bring you wealth and leisure, it can also give you super power—enough to do whatever you’d like: Get anyone you want to do anything you want; destroy anything or anyone who doesn’t share your same mindset; maybe the power just to keep making more money because that’s the only thing that gets your big ol’ boulders off.

Do you honestly think the passage through that tunnel would be nearly as agreeable? I don’t.

Oh, I forgot…what if there were already a handful of people on Mt. Hugey who believed no matter how they got there, it should only belong to them? What if the people on the other side of the tunnel started realizing they couldn’t find work, or afford food, or pay for a place to live anymore?

If the tunnel drivers storm through the tunnel, maybe they could gain a foothold somewhere on the mountain and change the way at least part of Mt. Hugey is divvied up…or at least bring back some pots to piss in. Or…

That’s where a group of elected officials to represent them might come in handy. They could figure out ways to divvy up part of Money Mountain so less people had to go through life barely getting by. Of course, just in case some people don’t deserve not suffering (you know who you are), some hoops could be designed so anyone who can jump through them get to make their way through the tunnel. That might not be “fair” but who isn’t against less traffic except bad hoop jumpers…

Now, I don’t know about you, Jon, but if I were one of the people already sitting on Mt. Hugey having a pretty easy life as lives go, I’d be scared to death of having a bunch of “officials” coming to my mountain uninvited—and who’d actually invite those people, for God’s sake? They might even knock me off my mountain entirely and then I might be forced to live with their minions and have to go through that tunnel every damn day just to trying a living wage. Holy crap!

You know what I’d do, Jon? I’d fight like hell to keep my mountain away from those bastards. I’d get together with my fellow mountain sitters and think up as many ways as possible to keep the icky people (you know who you are) on their side of the tunnel in the first place.

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Of course, we don’t want a war to break out. I’ll admit a few of us make a lot of money selling guns, but in this case we’re the ones they’d be shooting at. So let’s use some of those skills that going to the best schools bought us—I mean, taught us.

We could hire some simpletons—only temporarily, mind you, to help us out. We’ve already got a big ol’ hairy leg up. We own most of the marketplace. So if there’s one thing we know, it’s how to sell stuff. Hell, we can get people to buy things they not only don’t need but can’t afford (don’t tell us we don’t deserve to rule!). All we have to do is turn our advertising skills toward getting those would-be interlopers into electing our, I mean, their representatives.

We can pay some pretty faces to go on our TV—get ‘em to keep repeating our viewpoint over and over. We have empirical evidence that proves if people hear something often enough it burrows up in their psyche and hides until needed. We also have research that shows most people really do live lives of quiet desperation. They like distractions that ease the stress of being grownups. Oh, man! We not only provide distractions, they pay us for those distractions! Oh, it just gets funnier!

That’s why our mountain sittin’ motto will never be “Live and let live,” Jon. Up here we’re all George Steinbrenners and Knute Rocknes. We don’t like to lose anything! Ever! Nice guys finish last, remember? So here’s our “compromise.” We’ll allow the elected officials of those idiot tunnel drivers (can you believe some people do that every damn day?) to come over and meet with us on our mountain. Better yet, we’ll let them live here as long as they behave. That means we need to elect as many of those officials as we can ourselves…by “elect” we mean “pay” and by “officials” we mean “that ain’t tea you’re a swimmin’ in.”

One of the ways to do that is to get as many tunnel drivers as possible not to vote. And here’s the cool part—one of the easiest ways to do that is to confuse and frustrate the hell out of ‘em. That’s why most of their “officials” are just weinerheads we temporarily hire to do our bidding. Some wear suits, some wear uniforms, but face it, their job is to keep your great unwashed asses on your side of the tunnel.

I’m absolutely certain it isn’t what you intended, Jon. I think you were just doing a show to satirize rallies. But, lucky for us sitters up here on Mt. Hugey, it may have inadvertently done exactly what we spend billions of dollars a year trying to do—convince a lot of people to sit this one out. “Chill out.” “Ease off the throttle, man.” “Can’t we all just get along, bro?” Right before election day. Kinda puts a body in the mood to blow off a trip to the polls.

Yeah, most folks just plod along, driving through their Lincoln tunnels every damn day. And once again many of them got distracted from remembering there’s a huge mountain on the other side of the electoral process that affects their lives every damn day. Once again they were told at just the right time…it’s only New Jersey.

Kathy Griffin

Katherine Green

Katherine Green is a television writer and producer who is interested in furthering the dreaded progressive agenda…dreaded mostly by fat white guys who hate change. She’s been involved with researching the role of Big Ag and Big Asses; and designing a new flag for the country that can tastefully feature Jesus, fracking, and a side of fries. This flag can be used as a comfortable wraparound to be worn in a retirement home or Olbermann State Prison.