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Are you a "people" person? Do you relish challenges? Are you quick on your feet, able to tap dance like a vaudville star? Are you flexible when it comes to strict definitions of the truth, not stubbornly insistent on the concept of a fixed objective reality to which we all must adhere?

White House Press Secretary

Are you equally able to put your personal integrity aside, to deal with becoming a running joke for late night comedians, a buffoon and liar in the eyes of the world?

Are you able to smile when nothing is funny? Are you willing to appear foolish or dishonest in front of people on a daily basis, even to a mass audience on television? Are you able to suffer being regularly contradicted by your boss without complaint? Are you equally able to put your personal integrity aside, to deal with becoming a running joke for late night comedians, a buffoon and liar in the eyes of the world? Are you superficially affable, unperturbed by slights and open displays of disrespect from co-workers? Do you have a history of beating polygraph exams? Is being close to the center of things more important to you than almost anything else?

If so, a career as White House Press Secretary just may be right for you. And though the pay isn't commensurate with what people now earn in the tech industry, big pharma, banking, or oil, the annual salary of $176,419 is just the starting point for the earnings and emoluments likely to come your way, from book deals to post-White House career possibilities at Fox News, or on talk radio for Sinclair. Beyond those avenues to further fame and fortune, there will be opportunities galore at a range of lobbying firms on K Street, or with foreign governments, many of whom can offer remuneration far greater than your former press secretary salary.

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So, if you're an ambitious and enterprising self-starter who jas what it takes to serve your country and/or your president, or if you can see opportunity for personal advancement in circumstances that may look daunting, we want to see your resume.

High school diploma preferred. GED acceptable with compensatory experience successfully selling ear muffs to Hawiians, sand to Saudis, or Trump steaks to vegans.

jaime oneill

Send applications to President Donald J. Trump, c/o Mar a Lago, aka the Southern White House, Palm Beach, Florida.

Jaime O'Neill