LA Progressive

Dear Mr. President: Supporting Yourself in Exile

Thursday, 7 December 2017

Dear Mr President,

Your supporters down at the Retrofit Roadhouse have been thinking about your upcoming retirement and worrying about how you and your children will support yourselves in exile. We’ve come up with a number of lucrative ideas.

– You cut a deal with O. J. Simpson, who will ghost-write a book entitled “If I Had Really, Really Done It”. Details of money-laundering, secret meetings, bribery caper in Azerbaijan, relations (all kinds) with Putin, long detailed chapter on Ritz-Carlton affair

– but all in quotation marks and therefore ironic. Smirking photo on cover. Forward by Mitch McConnell. $49.95, and free MAGA cap to first hundred buyers.

TV commercials feature a woman in black leather leotard wielding a whip while actors resembling Roy Moore and Harvey Weinstein lead small children in healthy games.

– You open the Sexual Predators And Naughty Kinky Executives Rehabilitation School in Puerto Vallarta. TV commercials feature a woman in black leather leotard wielding a whip while actors resembling Roy Moore and Harvey Weinstein lead small children in healthy games. A message on the screen says “$2 Million for Minimum Stay of Six Months. Weekend passes for good behavior.”

– You sell the rights to a screen-play called “Downfall”: Robert Mueller (played by Robert De Niro) leads an assault on the White House, but is repulsed by Secret Service agents and the Marine Corps Band led by John Kelly (played by Danny DeVito). Cut to Ivanka (played by Beyonce) designing elegant disguise outfits. Meanwhile Mike Flynn (played by John Turturro) shows Mueller the secret entrance. Cut to Jared (played by Steve Buscemi) cramming rubles into a duffle bag. Meanwhile Mueller and Flynn fight their way to the Oval Office which they find deserted except for Kellyanne Conway (played by Bette Midler), who points silently upward. Cut to Melania (played by Cher) complacently scanning ads for real estate in Hawaii. Meanwhile Mueller and Flynn reach the roof where they find you (played by Chris Christie) half way up the flag pole, brandishing a cheeseburger and yelling, “Come and get me, copper!” Just then a drone appears, and you snatch at it frantically, trying to knock it from the air.

But when you notice its Russian markings you leap aboard. It whisks you away to the East as the theme from “Rocky” swells, and cheers from a crowd of evangelical preachers in the Rose Garden are led by Sarah Huckabee Sanders (played by herself) in a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader outfit. Fade to black.

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 5:09 AM EST, 7 December 2017

Please circulate. And write him a letter or forward this one to: https://www.whitehouse.gov/contact