Dear Mr Ex-President,
Trixie Gavilan, Feature Editor of the Western Flicker, has just published a short retrospective piece on the Trump years, collecting comments from a variety of public figures who knew you when you were in the news every day. Memories have faded with the years, of course, and attitudes have been adjusted since the crash and the trials and the tax returns, but these recollections provide a useful footnote to history as you slip into oblivion.
- Wayne La Pierre, doing life as an accessory to mass murder: “I could have made him king, but he was just too weak.”
- Mitch McConnell, K Street lobbyist for the Russian Federation: “Looking back now, it’s hard to see how he went so wrong. The people who were in positions to influence him apparently didn’t have the courage.”
- Eric Trump: “I was adopted.
Stormy Daniels: “The small hands thing? You just don’t know.”
- Mike Pence, the famous Four-Day President, currently pastor of the Living Megachurch of Universal Abstinence of Portland Oregon: “And he shall snatch on the right hand, and be hungry; and he shall eat on the left hand, and they shall not be satisfied: they shall eat every man the flesh of his own arm or words to that effect Amen.”
- Stormy Daniels: “The small hands thing? You just don’t know.”
- Jared Kushner, at a book signing in Berkeley: “Actually, I barely knew him.”
- Angela Merkel: “Dumm ist dumm, du kannst es nicht reparieren.”
- Marianne Williamson, former presidential candidate: “He was controlled by a dark psychic force named Ivanka.”
- Sarah Huckabee Sanders: “When he bragged about grabbing pussy, I prayed for him. When he snatched brown toddlers from their mothers, I said it was a lesson for brown mothers. But when my Walmart stock fell, I said ‘Fuck it, I always knew he was a con-man!’”
- Melba Thumper, barmaid at the Retrofit: “And so we began again, as Franklin warned us we must, to keep the democracy we had made.”
Received by the White House at 3:09 AM EST, 13 September 2019.