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Felonius Ax here reporting from the utterly exclusive world of the Billionaires:

predator drone

We’re hearing a lot of exciting news about what a great job predator drones are doing in expanding even more of our ever-expanding War On Terror. It’s our new “fight fire with fire” strategy: What could be more terrifying to a would-be terrorist than the far-off buzzing of one of our remote-controlled planes followed by the more immediate escalating roar as a Hellfire missile makes a beeline for his nether region?

Best enjoyed with accompaniment:

The predator drones represent a great opportunity for our Aerospace companies. We are making a killing killing, for goodness sake! In the past, killing was a messy business. You had to confront your enemy face to face, and even then, there was as good a chance that your head would end up atop his spear as his atop yours.

Thanks to modern technology, we don’t we have to confront our enemies face to face anymore. In fact, since studies indicate that young hotshot gamers who are serving as our remote drone operators are experiencing battle fatigue from long monotonous hours sitting in a chair doing almost nothing (unlike their lives before they joined the Military!), we’ll be replacing these living nerds with a computer algorithm which will be able to decide who is and who isn’t a potential terrorist. So we won’t even need an actual human being wrestling with the guilt of pushing the button or pulling the trigger, and worrying if the large group of happy, feasting Afghani men, women and children might have been a wedding party and not a secret terrorist meeting.

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And the American people won’t have to grumble about their young sons and daughters being sent into harm’s way to do the work that a robotic plane does even more efficiently. Of course there will always be a place for human cannon fodder in our Military Adventures, but at least not in mountainous Waziristan!

Also, these drone strikes are much more convenient than the messy business of capturing folks, charging them and putting them on trial. And the outcome is a fait accompli in around 40 minutes. While it’s sad that the occasional civilian might find herself in our crosshairs, in the long run, it’s worth it. You can’t make an omelet without breaking the occasional egg.

These drones have been a smashing success in Pakistan (and they’ve done wonders for US/Pakistani relations), and now, the CIA is expanding their use in our non-war with Yemen. Think of your most annoying neighbors (not mine – their mansion is miles away from ours) – the couple that’s always loudly arguing and then blasting bad Techno music at all hours. Now imagine opening your front door to bring in the mail and there’s a smoldering pile of ash where their house used to be! That’s how the Yemeni people are going to feel as we eradicate the terrorists living among them.

And think what a boon for those of us who have seen fit to invest big in Aerospace when we extend this predator drone technology right here in the United States. Police Departments, the DEA and Border Patrol Agents are eagerly queuing up to order drones from us! This will prove to be a hell of a better investment than those sad F-35 fighter planes were. While spy satellites have been fine for surveillance of all Americans, they don’t include that extra component of follow-through that a Hellfire Missile on board can provide.

And as we expand our ever-expanding War On Terror, we can broaden the definition of what a Terrorist is to include people whose political opinions threaten our economic system. Just imagine how useful our drones flying American skies will be. If you liked what we have been doing to Afghani wedding parties you’ll love what could happen to the summer barbecues of whiny civil libertarians who are critical of this exciting proliferation of predator drone technology as the escalating roar of a Hellfire missile makes a beeline for their nether regions!

clifford felonious ax tasner

 Clifford "Felonius Ax" Tasner